DeniDVD Vault: Shark Attack 3 - Megalodon, an enjoyably bad movie!
April 30th 2010 12:11
Category: Action, What to Rent?
There does exist a twisted side to every movie fanatic - a dark side that has no name. This stranger keeps to the shadows and stays well-hidden within the most remote corners of the psyche, tucked under all those seedy and perverse guilty pleasures like, a fondness for "Hello Kitty" or thinking that the song "Mandy" by Barry Manilow is a music masterpeace. For the movie buff it's a temporary and misguided attraction to cinematic abominations.
I'm going to take a leap here and take responsibility for my shame and disgrace and I only ask that you please reserve your judgment of me until I'm given the chance to state my case. The truth is that I sorta liked "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon". There, I said it and you know, that wasn't so bad! I actually feel as if a weight has been lifted. I feel free! I want to sing. I want to dance!
In my defense, all I can say is that this movie is a barrel of laughs. It's not even worth my time listing all the reasons why it's so bad. I can only save face by saying that it's HIGH-larious! Everything about it is so beyond redemption that is funny.
I have never in my life seen such well-fare special effects, where stock footage of a shark breaking through the water is lifted from the Discovery Channel and magnified to give the impression that it's 60 feet long. But wait, that's not all! The action is then superimposed via the wonders of Photoshop and the end result is that the shark devours its victim whole - as in one bite! You don't believe me? See for yourself!
Did I lie? Okay, so let me explain myself.
I discovered this monstrosity of a movie quite unexpectedly. I was asleep on the couch and my TV was parked on Cinemax.
I remember waking up at 2 am and seeing the movie already well into Act III and for the life of me, I could not look away. It was horrible but I couldn't bring myself to hit the power button - I was under a spell. There it was in all its dreadful glory. The bad acting, the low grade special effects, the Russian actors pretending to be Mexican - oh the horror! Right then, I knew what it was like for those doomed men who were trapped in the death-gaze of Medusa - I had turned to stone. I was powerless - and by golly, I wanted to see more! I wanted all of it!
I searched the internet and read the reviews. One quote from Bill Gibron: "From its badly edited cobbling together of stock footage, blurred underwater shots, and fake fish fudging to its garbage disposal mishmash of gratuitous gore, nudity, and non-sequitorial dialogue, this Jaws for jerks plays like a hillbilly's home movies." - they were all like this but it didn't matter. Was I turning into one of those B-movie fanatics? I hoped not.
The quest was on, I had to see the entire movie. My only saving grace was that I refused to pay for a rental. My desperate search paid off thanks to the wonders of Youtube. I first saw the trailer...I couldn't believe it had a Trailer!
Then I saw that youtube had the entire movie posted in 10 parts and on one dark dreary day, I closed the curtains, the blinds, took the plug out of the phone, turned off all the lights and sat in the dark and watched the movie. I'm amazed that it had a plot.
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, is the story of a prehistoric shark who terrorizes the coast of a Mexican resort, where workers are trying to install underground fiber-optic cable. Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman), a resort security diver finds a large tooth embedded into one of the optic cables. Bewildered by its size, he sends a picture of it to a researcher, Cat Stone (Jennifer McShane) at the California Museum of Natural history. The hunt begins when Cat informs Ben that this is no ordinary shark. It's a Megaladon, a prehistory shark thought to be extinct for 24 million years but little do they know that what's attacking the shores are just babies and when they are but down, the mother comes a-hunting and she's mad!
Am I mad? Maybe just a little. And was that really John Barrowman? The star of TV's "Central Park West", "Torchwood", and "Dr. Who"? Did he owe someone a favor? Did he fire his manager? Was he being blackmailed? His acting was shockingly bad! Well, it doesn't matter, the deed was done. I've looked into the eyes of the beast and savored the high and except for an occasional struggle not to look back, I think I'm okay.
They say the first step to conquering an addiction is to admit that you have a problem. Well I've admitted mine and I can only hope that others don't follow my path but if you do...be sure not look the Megalodon in the eyes...you'll turn to stone.
I'm going to take a leap here and take responsibility for my shame and disgrace and I only ask that you please reserve your judgment of me until I'm given the chance to state my case. The truth is that I sorta liked "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon". There, I said it and you know, that wasn't so bad! I actually feel as if a weight has been lifted. I feel free! I want to sing. I want to dance!
In my defense, all I can say is that this movie is a barrel of laughs. It's not even worth my time listing all the reasons why it's so bad. I can only save face by saying that it's HIGH-larious! Everything about it is so beyond redemption that is funny.
I have never in my life seen such well-fare special effects, where stock footage of a shark breaking through the water is lifted from the Discovery Channel and magnified to give the impression that it's 60 feet long. But wait, that's not all! The action is then superimposed via the wonders of Photoshop and the end result is that the shark devours its victim whole - as in one bite! You don't believe me? See for yourself!
Did I lie? Okay, so let me explain myself.
I discovered this monstrosity of a movie quite unexpectedly. I was asleep on the couch and my TV was parked on Cinemax.
I remember waking up at 2 am and seeing the movie already well into Act III and for the life of me, I could not look away. It was horrible but I couldn't bring myself to hit the power button - I was under a spell. There it was in all its dreadful glory. The bad acting, the low grade special effects, the Russian actors pretending to be Mexican - oh the horror! Right then, I knew what it was like for those doomed men who were trapped in the death-gaze of Medusa - I had turned to stone. I was powerless - and by golly, I wanted to see more! I wanted all of it!
I searched the internet and read the reviews. One quote from Bill Gibron: "From its badly edited cobbling together of stock footage, blurred underwater shots, and fake fish fudging to its garbage disposal mishmash of gratuitous gore, nudity, and non-sequitorial dialogue, this Jaws for jerks plays like a hillbilly's home movies." - they were all like this but it didn't matter. Was I turning into one of those B-movie fanatics? I hoped not.
The quest was on, I had to see the entire movie. My only saving grace was that I refused to pay for a rental. My desperate search paid off thanks to the wonders of Youtube. I first saw the trailer...I couldn't believe it had a Trailer!
Then I saw that youtube had the entire movie posted in 10 parts and on one dark dreary day, I closed the curtains, the blinds, took the plug out of the phone, turned off all the lights and sat in the dark and watched the movie. I'm amazed that it had a plot.
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, is the story of a prehistoric shark who terrorizes the coast of a Mexican resort, where workers are trying to install underground fiber-optic cable. Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman), a resort security diver finds a large tooth embedded into one of the optic cables. Bewildered by its size, he sends a picture of it to a researcher, Cat Stone (Jennifer McShane) at the California Museum of Natural history. The hunt begins when Cat informs Ben that this is no ordinary shark. It's a Megaladon, a prehistory shark thought to be extinct for 24 million years but little do they know that what's attacking the shores are just babies and when they are but down, the mother comes a-hunting and she's mad!
Am I mad? Maybe just a little. And was that really John Barrowman? The star of TV's "Central Park West", "Torchwood", and "Dr. Who"? Did he owe someone a favor? Did he fire his manager? Was he being blackmailed? His acting was shockingly bad! Well, it doesn't matter, the deed was done. I've looked into the eyes of the beast and savored the high and except for an occasional struggle not to look back, I think I'm okay.
They say the first step to conquering an addiction is to admit that you have a problem. Well I've admitted mine and I can only hope that others don't follow my path but if you do...be sure not look the Megalodon in the eyes...you'll turn to stone.
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